The Power of the “Inclusive And”
By Chris Kennedy (he/him), Business Development Specialist, Endura Consulting
When we talk about inclusion, it’s easy to go straight to the big things. Policies, programs, organization-wide change. Yes, all important. All very necessary. Sometimes we forget, though, that inclusion shows up in much smaller, everyday moments. The way we respond in meetings. The tone of a quick email. That one sentence we say without really thinking about it.
For the past couple of years, I’ve been paying attention to one really small habit in my own language. And once you notice it, it’s really hard to unhear it.
The word “but”.
I remember I was in a board meeting, and in response to how many times “but” was being used, someone said “but is a giant eraser to everything you just said” and it stuck with me. To the point where my husband now mocks me for it. Immediately. Without hesitation. We’ll be having a casual conversation, I’ll throw in a “but” and without pause, he’ll say it in that tone, and I’m like… okay yes, thank you, noted.
He’s doing it in jest, but honestly? I kind of love it. It keeps me accountable and forces me to find better language in the moment, because the more you pay attention to it, the more you realize how often it shows up.
“I really appreciate your input, but…”
“I hear what you’re saying, but…”
“That’s a great idea, but…”
And just like that, everything before it gets erased. Not intentionally, of course, but impact beats intent every time - - and if we’re being honest, “however,” “although,” and “yet” are just the fancier eraser versions.
At this point, I hear “but” in a sentence about as often and as easily as I hear “like”. (Thanks, mom, for training that one into me as a teenager. The awareness is strong. The side effects are real.)
Now when I hear it, there’s a tiny moment where the hairs on the back of my neck stand up a bit. Not in a dramatic way, just enough to go, “ah, there it is.” Catching it in real time - - especially when you’re trying to be honest and clear - - isn’t always easy, and it’s something I’ve had to actively work on, and one small shift has made a big difference for me.
Swapping “but” for “and”.
It sounds almost too simple to matter. It’s not, because most of the time, we’re holding two things that are true at once. Someone can bring forward a great idea and it might not be doable right now. Someone can be doing really strong work and still miss a deadline. A point can be valid and still not be the immediate priority.
“And” lets both of those things exist. It doesn’t cancel out what came before… it builds on it.
So instead of saying, “I hear you, but we don’t have the budget”, it becomes “I hear you, and we need to look at our budget constraints together”. Same reality, very different experience.
Instead of “You’re doing great, however you missed this deadline” it becomes “You’re doing great, and I want to understand what got in the way of this deadline”. Now it feels like a conversation instead of a correction.
Instead of “That’s a good point, but it’s not a priority right now” it becomes “That’s a good point, and let’s figure out where it fits in our longer-term roadmap”. You’re not dismissing it, you’re placing it.
If you try anything this month, try to notice when a “but” is about to come out of your mouth, and pause for a second to see if you can swap it for “and”.
That’s it. No big rollout. No training session. No overhaul. Just a small, intentional shift that changes how people feel when they’re talking with you.
And if you’re lucky, someone in your life will start calling you out on it, too. Which is equal parts humbling and helpful.
